The fifth of the Ten Commandments is “Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you” (Ex. 20:12; cf. Dt. 5:16). It is interesting that this positive command is connected to the land promise that God had given to their patriarchs. If they wanted God’s future blessing, then they had to honor their parents.
It was the duty of parents not only to have God’s commands in their own hearts but to “teach them diligently to [their] children” (Dt. 6:6-9). This is crucial for the faithfulness of the next generation. Yet, the practical application of the fifth commandment was not only for young children but for children who had grown up and begun families of their own. One does not outgrow the command to honor father and mother.
This truth is seen in Jesus’ citation of this command to honor father and mother in His reprimand of the scribes and Pharisees for their hypocritical devotion to their traditions (Mt. 15:1-7). Specifically, Jesus was incensed that adult children were imagining loopholes in the Law in order to excuse themselves from adequately caring for their parents. They were more devoted to their temple traditions than they were to what God had clearly commanded.
Undoubtedly, Paul alludes to this obligation to honor parents when he instructs Timothy to “not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father” and “the older women as mothers” (1 Tim. 5:1,2). Then Paul says, “Honor widows who are really widows” and clarifies that “if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God” (vv 3,4). Paul makes clear that this is an obligation when he says in this same context, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (v 8).
Again, Paul was not writing only to dependent children when he wrote, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Eph. 6:1). To support this, Paul cites the fifth commandment and identifies it as “the first commandment with promise” (i.e. “that it might be well with you and you may live long on the earth” – vv 2,3). Yes, this should be taught to children from their infancy, but Paul was writing to “saints who are … faithful in Christ Jesus” (1:1) The obligation to honor and obey one’s parents does not end at adulthood.
I anticipate that some will bristle at the idea that honoring father and mother includes obeying them even in adulthood. Indeed, when children are “coming of age” they often assert their “rights” as individuals and challenge parental authority. It can be a very stressful time especially if the parents have not trained and exemplified the fifth commandment in the home toward grandparents and great-grandparents.
Paul instructs fathers to bring their children up “in the training and admonition of the Lord” (6:4), and this includes teaching them to honor and obey father and mother and to understand the concepts of respect and submission. The goal of Paul’s instruction is to raise children who will have a practical understanding of what it means to submit to Jesus as Lord when they become adults. My grandfather liked to say that the family [as designed and intended by God] is the vestibule of heaven.
I have made all of these observations to lay a foundation for challenging parents to be careful in how they use their God-given authority especially as their children mature into adults. These are crucial days that require parents to have the knowledge and wisdom of God’s Word and the manifestations of the fruit of the Spirit. Ideally, parents are the spiritually-mature ones relative to their children. Therefore, parents must be ready to extend grace just as God does toward all of us.
Notice that Paul explicitly tells fathers not to “provoke your children to wrath” (v 4). In Colossians he writes similarly, “do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). There are a number of possible applications we could make of these moderating words, but they are there to remind us of our goal and to balance and temper the exercise of our parental authority.
First, let’s note what this does not mean. If your child feels sad or mad as a result of your discipline (i.e. teaching, correction, and/or punishment), it does not mean that you have violated this admonition. “No chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but grievous” (Heb. 12:11); and the more immature the child is, the more grievous he will view even good discipline. If a parent gives up on discipline simply because a child cries or throws a fit, then the child will be “without chastening” like those without parents (v 8). Press on in faith because holy and consistent discipline eventually “yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (v 11).
What Paul is concerned about is the failure to discipline at all and/or the failure to discipline in love. Parents need to remember what Jesus said to His disciples about the exercise of authority: “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them …yet it shall not be so among you” (Mt. 20:25,26). Godly parents are less concerned about their position of authority and more concerned about serving their children’s spiritual and developmental needs. Therefore, if we have trained our children in God’s ways, we do not need to lord it over our maturing children as we did when they were two years old.
When I was but a youth, there was a book in my parents’ home entitled The Strong-Willed Child (by the late Dr. James Dobson). I never considered the possibility that my parents purchased and displayed that book with me in mind, and, of course, I never read it. It was a parenting book, and I was an immature child. However, it is not only children who are strong willed. There are also strong-willed parents who need to learn how not to frustrate their maturing children by lording their parental authority over them.
Good parenting prepares children to make their own decisions in the fear of the Lord. While we never stop being parents and our children never outgrow honoring us and obeying us as their parents, it does not reflect well on our parenting if we try to micro-manage our mature children’s lives and demand they submit to our will in matters of judgment. Certainly, our role is still to hold them accountable to God’s will as we all need this, whether it be from our parents, the elders of the church, or a brother or sister in Christ.
I am saddened when I learn of Christian parents and their believing adult children who are estranged from one another because of a failure to respect one another. Whether it be the failure of a child to honor father and mother or the ostensibly more mature but strong-willed parents frustrating and provoking their children to wrath, repentance and reconciliation should be desired and pursued. Indeed, whichever parties imagine themselves the more spiritually mature should be the ones to initiate reconciliatory efforts (cf. Mt. 5:21-26; Gal. 6:1; Js. 5:19,20) and, if these fail, to get others involved (cf. Mt. 18:15-17).
Do you know of circumstances where strong-willed personalities need to be challenged to extend grace to one another? I urge you to help these people who labor with you in the gospel to be of the same mind (Php. 4:2,3). Initiating reconciliation may be as simple as sharing these thoughts with the estranged family members in the hopes that some will take a look in the mirror of God’s Word and resolve to act (Js. 1:21-27).
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